today, i pondered the reality of myself
i actually do this quite often.
but today, i finally asked someone else about it. it feels like something that’s hard to explain—like something you can only conceptualise if you feel the same way, you know?
but, my memories feel odd to me. they don’t feel tangible. obviously, a memory isn’t tangible. you can’t touch it or hold it. you can’t put it somewhere to look at it in the real world. but like, i don’t know. i really don’t feel like there’s a better way to describe it.
my memories don’t hold any weight.
they don’t feel real. and i don’t necessarily mean that in a hallucinatory type of way.
but more so in a, “have i ever actually existed before today” type of way.
my tether to reality is never very strong, to be honest. my dreams and reality both feel real in the moment, but somehow, whichever state i’m in right now as i type this—the “awake” state feels more real? but not in any way i can really identify.
and my dreams are definitely more real than my so–called “memories.”
my brain wants so badly to say that tyey’re real. but the physical feeling of my body tells me otherwise.
i have definitely not existed before today. and i don’t think it helps that i have maybe ten solid memories of my youth. ten vivid “memories” as opppsed to vague bits or pieces. usually when there’s something a little off about me, it’s quite easy to convince myself that it’s actually normal—mostly to avoid having to deal with it properly.
[so if the ocd psychologist lady on instagram could stop showing up on my fyp, that would be great. i already know. i’m just in denial. leave me alone.]
however, i can’t convince myself this is normal. this can’t possibly be the average human experience. it just can’t. i desperately need someone to figure out what this is. i’m either trapped in a simulation or early onset dementia. i really don’t know what else this could be.
but,
aside from that, i ate taco bell. i was real today. and i ate taco bell. a cantina chicken rolled quesadilla with easy chipotle sauce and seasoned rice, that was made to perfection, and a baja blast dirty soda, with nacho fries and a soft taco.
- i made a logo for my friend’s small business.
- i wrote a grocery list.
- i ate a pack of reese’s sticks.
- i worked on a digital drawing of a bear at a restaurant. i did things today.
yay.
until next time,
🩷